Speak Proper England Like What I Does

As I walked through the studio today one of the CAD genius types waved at me and asked, “Can I borrow you for a moment?” The implication being I was to be taken elsewhere and returned at a later time I assumed, unless I was to be left in the corner of a tool strewn shed beside the non-returned lawn mower and step ladders of course. But no, it was his way of asking for my opinion.

In the grand scheme of things and the general abuse the English language is subjected to it was a non-offensive alternative use of the melting pot of a language that we speak within these shores. There are however terms that absolutely drive me to distraction. Chief among these has to be, “He learned me it”. No he didn’t, he taught you, but obviously not in the spoken word. Likewise, “I itched it”. No you didn’t, you scratch an itch, you don’t itch a scratch… and while we’re at it I can’t “borrow you it” either.

Having two teenage daughters, I’ve got used to understanding that “What” means pardon and “Shut up” means really? The screamed plea “It weren’t me”, sets my teeth on edge but the frequently used phrase that completely rubs me up the wrong way every time I hear it is, “I ain’t got none”. Confusion reigns when I point out that the use of a double negative actually means that they do in fact have some. The blank looks and furrowed brows deter me from pushing the point further.

The worry that I have is that the more these sloppy phrases are used the more accepted they become and ultimately enter the standard ratified English language. Case in point, “All that glitters is not gold”. The phrase originates from the play The Merchant of Venice and to quote the bard himself… “All that glisters is not gold”. But come to think of it he used to make up his own words as well…

Even my own Father has a little phrase that I always find myself correcting. He always says, “Me and your Mum”, to which I point out, no, it’s “Mum and I”. His response is always the same, “No, it was definitely me and your Mum”… That’s one argument I’m never going to win.